I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
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