I just found puke in my bra..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
