Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you win again, gameday.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
