last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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