im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
