I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
