I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
They took my balls.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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