I seem to have left my pride at pride
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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