watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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