I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
