no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
