What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
