I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
