he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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