i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
