Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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