if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
