I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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