Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
