it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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