Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
