i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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