I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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