I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
