Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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