I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
