you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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