I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
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Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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