im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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