That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
