i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
