I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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