For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
