So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
