I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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