btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
