using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
