Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
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I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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