I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
