i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
