OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
