I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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