I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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