I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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