Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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