I have demons in me.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
