dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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