kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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