I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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