I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
