Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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