If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
