I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you had me at cake vodka
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
