i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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