Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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