I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
